today...

my eyelid has been twitching non-stop all day...it's making me crazy...I'm sure it's not related, but it's still annoying

my stomach has been in knots all day too...not nausea, but not quite right...I don't like it.

It's not denial it's the truth

Taking this pill makes me feel like an alcoholic...I don't even drink that often (maybe 1-2 a week), but twice since taking the pill I have been asked to go out for a drink (or something similar) and have had to say no, I don't drink...it's a weird feeling

Breakdown

I had a huge breakdown today.

Mr J is in town unexpectedly...and showed up over 2 hours after he said he would...I didn't even realize how upset I was with him until I saw him.

He hasn't been the most supportive about this whole situation...and I left him a message on Tuesday after seeing the doctor asking him to call me -which he didn't do Tuesday, or Wednesday, in fact he didn't call me at all until Friday @ 7:00pm to announce he would be ruining my plans for Saturday (that's a whole other story entirely).

It all came flooding out of me and onto him tonight. I yelled like a small child, told him I was let down - disappointed - ...again...and that I needed someone to talk to about this that really knew me, but I guessed it wasn't him because he's never around so how could he know me?

...then I stormed out of the room and slammed the bedroom door behind me...

Long story short ... he gave me a few minutes to calm down before he came in... I bawled my eyes out... told him that this is scaring me to death and that I don't feel like he's behind me...he made it better...he made amends

then he took me out for pizza before he went out for the night (which is why he's here in the first place)

is everything a possible side effect...

...or do I just worry too much!

I guess that's what go me into this mess in the first place isn't it? Well today, I don't have a headache... so far...but I've hardly eaten anything. No appetite...that's not completely abnormal for me...but I think it might be the pills...maybe...convincing huh?

the first taste...

I started my pills today...this morning...
I am to take 1/2 a pill each morning for a week, and then I take a whole pill each morning for 5 weeks...and I go to see Dr. I in 2 weeks to talk about it.

I was really nervous taking the pill this morning...I broke it in half, and walked around the apartment looking at it for a few minutes before I swollowed it.

I carefully read over the information pages that the pharmasist gave me last night...there are a number of nasty potential side effects that come with taking this tiny white pill, although Dr. I said that this new drug's track record is very good when it comes to side effects...much better than the other drugs...it still freaks me out

So how do I feel now?

• I have a headache...which is nothing new
• my neck hurts...but it hurt when I woke up this morning
• my appetite isn't really that great...I should be hungry for dinner by now, and I'm not...but I did have a late afternoon granola bar today...

thta's all I've got for now...

diagnosis

Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or GAD, is an anxiety disorder that is characterized by excessive and uncontrollable worry about everyday things. The frequency, intensity, and duration of the worry are disproportionate to the actual source of worry, and such worry often interferes with daily functioning.

This what my Doctor dignosed me with today...I was just going in to get the results of my blood test (something completely rutine and normal). She said everything with the tests was normal, but she wanted to talk to me about something that I had said the last time I was there (2 weeks ago)...I worry about everything...that was what I had said to her . And that triggered something in her head...which is good I suppose. It means I have managed to not only find a doctor accepting new patients, but one that genuinely is taking an interest in my health...

What followed was a series of questions: How do I sleep? (poorly) Do I get headaches? (often) Am I in a relationship? (yes) How is that? (not the greatest because of distance) Is my job stressful? (yes...a lot) Do I have panic attacks? (no, I don't think so) How is my memory? (Pretty good) Do I have trouble concentrating? (on everything bot procrastinating) Is there a history of depression/mental illness/alcoholism in my family? (yes/not sure/yes) Do I have muscle tension (my massage therapist could tell you horror stories!)... Had I ever thought that all these things might be related? (ummm...no, I guess not really)...Turns out they are...Generalized Anxiety Disorder...an imbalance of brain chemicals... and a trial solution...anti-depressant medication.

I'm not a fan of psychopharmacology as a general rule... and the idea od taking happy pills to deal with my problems sort of freaks me out to be honest...Dr. I covered that...she told me not to think of it as being crazy or unstable...it's more like Diabetes...my body is not producing enough of something I need (or too much of something that neutralizes it really) and my quality of life is suffering because of it...so I agreed to take the pills for two weeks and see what happens...

I don't want to be a pill popper for the rest of mylife...it scares me, it depresses me (yes, my anti-depressants are depressing me!), and I don't think I like it.

I have told my boyfriend (who wasn't really all that supportive even though it was his idea I get a new Dr in the first place), and my sister...

The phamasist that filled my prescription suggested I keep a record of how I'm feeling throughout the course of the medication...emotions, physical feelings, side effects...she said just write it all down...that's what this blog is...my happy pill journal!